There would be times during my pregnancies, yes all three,
where I could wake up after no sleep, or even a full night’s
sleep, and be in the worst moods. Moods that I thought only I
understood. I was wrong of course. But God forbid anyone
around me who second guessed why I was in these moods. I
would snap at the smallest comment and the behaviour of
those around me. Yes, I loved these people, but they drove me
crazy when I was like this. It was even the way people ate or
the smell of their perfume that got to me. The littlest of things
would just send me into a complete craze of bitterness or
I remember slowly lifting my head when we were all sitting
around the table eating our family meal and all I could hear
was food being chewed. It was like everyone had
microphones strapped to their teeth. I had to ask them why
they were all eating so loudly. As you can imagine there were
a lot of shocked faces because they didn't realise they were.
My senses were so heightened at that time. And of course
they weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary.
People talk about cravings during pregnancy, but for me it
was these heightened senses, and this also included smells.
Damp made me sick to my stomach. I had to smell my plates
when they came out of the dishwasher because if they had
been in there too long, they would smell noticeably different.
At times I had to scrap food onto another plate, because that
plate didn't smell normal to me. Sounds crazy doesn't it? You
can only imagine what it looks like sniffing plates and cutlery
in your kitchen.
Everything that wouldn’t normally cause a trigger started to
drown me in a state of confusion, tears and self-pity. I’m not
usually one to expect the people around me to nurture my
moods, but at those moments in my life I did. From the
outside it looked like I wanted everything and everyone to
disappear. Sometimes I did want to be on my own with my
own feelings, tears and thoughts, but I also needed support.
It’s like you want everyone to look after you but you can’t
stand anyone being close to you, touching you and trying to
make you feel better about yourself. There were times when I
knew I was to pushing away the people who were closest to
me, through no fault of their own.
My husband and my little sister got the worst of my
meltdowns. I remember a massive argument I had caused
with my sister where she fired back a few home truths. This
gave me a massive wake up call to how I had been talking to
her. This wasn't me and even though we can look back now
and move forward smiling, I do still appreciate the fact that
they stood by me.
Speaking to other women and mothers from all walks of life, I
realise that I’m not alone with feeling like this. Most women
go through a rollercoaster of emotions during pregnancy,
motherhood and life in general. I realised that the way I
bottled it all up until I exploded didn’t help me. Now I open
up about even the littlest of things and I resolve them there
and then. I don't let negative thoughts cost me my family and
the people I love the most. I’m open, I’m honest and that’s
working for me and it can work for you too.