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  • Clare Bowers

Do friendships change when you become a mum?



During my pregnancy and early years of motherhood, I felt

like I was losing friendships. There’s a common belief that you

find out who your true friends are during this time. But I have

a different view on this now, which has saved many of my

friendships.


Think about it this way; before you had children you had a

different lifestyle, right? Okay, so you attracted certain

friendships, and this is because of who you were and what

your priorities were at the time. After having children, you

know your life changes in so many ways, and this includes

your priorities. You aren’t always there for friends, which can

cause people to drift apart. Some of your friends who haven’t

got children don’t have to prioritise mummy life into their

own. So, when you can’t do a lunch or night out because of

childcare, they will reach out to someone who can. Their lives

don’t have to stop for you.


Connecting with new mummy friends can support your

wellbeing during this time. Meeting people at different stages

in your life brings them in as a friend for a certain reason. I

met a lot of friends when I was on maternity through the

school playground and activities like baby massage classes.





My friendships with those before I had my third baby were

still there; they had just taken a backseat to the baby activities

and those who were on a similar life timetable to me. But I

decided that I had to adjust my new life to my old friends too

and not expect them to always change their routines for me. I

was also prioritising myself when I made time to see my nonmum

friends. I knew by letting them down that I would be

letting myself down. So, I still made the effort to catch up even

if it was just a cup of tea at my house. I found that they would

regularly pitch in and help me get back on top of my life.

“That’s what friends are for” came true for me.


I have a short activity that I think helps explain the shift in

friendship dynamics and how you can adjust to this.

Think of yourself as a tree. Write everything about you on the

trees bark; your name, when you were born, what colour eyes

you have, your personality traits, basically everything that

makes up you as a person.


Now move onto the roots. They represent your journey. You

can write down what you think has kept you ‘rooted’ in your

life before and after you had your child or children. This can

be key friendships, family and big decisions you have made in

life.


Let’s look at branches. You need to add a new one for each

momentous change in your life, another baby, a new job or a

big life event like a marriage, anything that has shaped who

you are today.


The leaves then represent your friends and family, everyone

who surrounds you.


As time goes on, some leaves may fall off the tree, and that’s

okay. Life changes can be good, and not everyone who started

your journey will continue on it. People have their own

journeys and sometimes no matter how upsetting it may be,

you have to focus on the positives and the other branches and

leaves. A tree doesn't die if it loses a branch. It dies if the roots

aren’t firmly in the ground and being nourished by the water

and food it needs to survive. My water and food now includes

the self-love I have for myself, my mindfulness activities and

the love from my family and friends.


But what can we do about the people who don't support us,

the people who we have tried to reach out to, only to

experience a negative reaction? I’ve got one bit of advice that

will change your mindset towards these people. STOP! Yes, I

said it, stop! Stop wasting your energy, time and breath on

trying to create an acceptance with people like this. You’re

never going to change them or your own life while your

energy is focused on making them want to help you or

making them see things differently.


The motto to my motherhood is, ' My children and I are happy

and healthy, and that's all that matters.’


If you chose to move forward without certain people, always

make sure that you've done it for the right reasons. Be honest

with yourself and with the people you've chosen to remove

from your life. I choose the people who are in my life now. I

live a happier, healthier life without the fear or reminder of

negativity leaking into mine or my children's lives. This is a

choice you have to make and a change that is needed.


Always here.


Clare.


Instagram - @Clarebowers_

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